Vampires, fire skulls and Katherine Heigl are responsible for an assortment of Dumpster-worthy movies in 2012. But consider the silver lining – many of the people involved in these train wrecks found success in other, better movies this year. So don’t cry for Channing Tatum or Abraham Lincoln until we run down the best movies of 2012 next week.
You can definitely cry for Nicolas Cage now. There’s just no helping that guy.
Here are the cinematic abominations I saw this year.
One for the Money
Katherine Heigl thought she was too good for “Grey’s Anatomy.” After this soul-sucking adaption of the Janet Evanovich series, she’ll be lucky to get Lifetime movies passed over by Lindsay Lohan.
This Means War
Handsome spies Chris Pine and Tom Hardy battle ridiculously for the affections of Reese Witherspoon. A classic case of an appealing cast being trapped by a horrible, horrible screenplay.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Did anybody seriously think this was going to work out? Nicolas Cage at least mocked the film appropriately in an amusing “Saturday Night Live” skit. Everything in this movie is literally on fire.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
There was a great movie about Lincoln in 2012, and this definitely wasn’t it. Like the “Ghost Rider” sequel, this never really had a chance. For such an absurd premise, the movie takes itself way too seriously, except maybe the scene where Honest Abe jumps across a stampede of CGI horses to slice up a CGI vampire. That’s about right.
The Vow
Channing Tatum proved his acting chops in a string of decent movies this year, including “21 Jump Street” and “Magic Mike.” This insipid romance co-starring Rachel McAdams is better suited for the Tatum we used to know – the guy who starred in slop like “G.I. Joe” and “Dear John.”
Dark Shadows
Perhaps Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should stop collaborating for a while. This tone-deaf update of the cult soap opera fails as comedy, horror and everything in between. Burton at least rebounded later in the year with “Frankenweenie.”
Rock of Ages
Tom Cruise is the only actor unscathed by this obnoxious musical about dumb people singing dumb ’80s songs.
Total Recall
This meaningless sci-fi remake is the purest definition of a Hollywood cash grab. Aside from some expensive-looking backdrops, every aspect of this film is inferior to the Schwarzenegger original.
A Thousand Words
Just because Eddie Murphy can’t talk doesn’t mean he won’t annoy the life out of you.
The Samaritan
You can always count on Samuel L. Jackson to offset his good work (see “Django Unchained”) with a low budget disaster, in this case a shoddy rip-off of “Oldboy” with all of the disgusting plot twists and none of the artistry or wit.
Special Award for Persistent Onscreen Grumpiness – Clint Eastwood in “Trouble with the Curve”
Get off his lawn! And his baseball field!
By Tyler Wilson | January 4, 2013 8:00 PM
Originally published in the CDA Press Newspaper