The title speaks for itself. The less said about 2009’s cinematic stinkers, the better. Avoid them like the (insert latest disease craze here).
Bride Wars
I feel sorry for any person who knows a woman like the spoiled characters played by Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson in this offensively insipid film. Luckily, no human being on earth can match the level of selfishness and superficiality on display by these characters. Here it is, folks: The absolute worst romantic comedy of all-time.
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th
A revolting, pointless horror remake featuring buckets of gratuitous violence, a non-existent plot, and some of the worst acting ever captured on screen. Come on, kids. How hard is it to scream convincingly?
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
A blind 6-year-old could spot the gaping plot holes in this amateurish blockbuster based on the toy franchise. At least “Transformers” had decent special effects. The old cartoon has more believable action sequences than this.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Michael Bay’s loud, overlong, slightly racist, definitely idiotic sequel made $400 million from American moviegoers. I’m sorry, but what the (expletive deleted) is wrong with all of you?
Year One
Inexplicably, the talents of Jack Black, Michael Cera, David Cross and director Harold Ramis aren’t enough to salvage this unfunny comedy that feels like it should be over after the first 10 minutes.
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Attention Matthew McConaughey: Your good-ol’ boy charm isn’t working anymore. Please find a movie with a script, or at least one that requires you to frown occasionally. Every time you do that stupid little “I’m a womanizing cad” grin, I want to punch you in the face.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The color scheme in this werewolf vs. vampire movie is so dark I can’t even tell if there’s a story here to criticize. I spotted actors Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen a few times, so I guess it isn’t a total loss.
Knowing
With a terrible script and an unfocused tone, you leave Nicolas Cage no choice but to shamelessly showboat in full force. This end-of-the-world, pseudo-religious tomfoolery gets worse with every passing minute, especially those involving flaming animals and aliens that look like German underwear models.
Assassination of a High School President
A dumb, dumb, dumb “detective” story set in high school, about a young reporter uncovering a pointlessly convoluted SAT sabotage. At least Bruce Willis gives a decent supporting performance as the irritated principal. He probably didn’t need to act much.
Julie & Julia
OK, so the parts of this cooking comedy with Meryl Streep as Julia Child are pretty entertaining. But all the scenes with Amy Adams as a whiny blogger are unbearable. How can a terrific actress like Adams get stuck in such a thankless, annoying role? And why must it take up more than half of this otherwise agreeable movie?
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
I never saw it. But come on. You know it is.
Dishonorable Mention: 2012, The Lovely Bones, Nine, Ninja Assassin, Everybody’s Fine, Law Abiding Citizen, Jennifer’s Body, G-Force