The country’s most bitter rivalry escalated during the production of a little film called “The Fate of the Furious,” the 18th entry (probably) in the muscle-car-manly-muscles franchise. It’s in theaters today, and stars Vin Diesel and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson have been noticeably separated on the film’s massive publicity tour.
The beef: Johnson got tired of Diesel showing up late to the set, and Diesel, well, he’s a bit of an eccentric character. He spends a lot of time lip-synching pop songs on social media, for example.
Just the thought of these two monster-sized men clashing in real life was enough to set the internet on fire. It’s not like anything else has happened in this country since August (thanks, millennials).
Initially I thought the feud was bogus. In the new movie, which should have been called “Ocho Furioso,” Diesel and Johnson’s characters are on opposing sides after two movies of being bros. Their real-life fight seemed like a cheeky way to advertise the movie, and many of us paying attention believed their beef would be squashed with a confrontation at this month’s Wrestlemania event.
Don’t scoff. Your commander-in-chief once clotheslined a guy at the same event.
Alas, Wrestlemania came and went, and no hulk-man throwdown occurred. Diesel has been downplaying the feud in interviews, and The Rock, well, he doesn’t really talk about it at all.
Since they won’t settle it, we’re going to let America’s third-favorite recurring Coeur d’Alene Press entertainment column settle it for them. That’s right, it’s time for another thrilling installment of Cage Match! Sweaty Bald Action Star Edition.
ROUND ONE — ACTING ABILITY
Diesel started strong, breaking out in Steven Spielberg’s “Saving Private Ryan” before settling into a consistent stream of action movies. He’s been playing the same stoic, growling cool guy ever since. Really, Diesel’s most versatile performance might be all the different ways he says, “I am Groot” in “Guardians of the Galaxy.”
Johnson is definitely an action star first, actor second, but he’s proven to be a charismatic presence in even some lousy movies (think of how great he is in the otherwise awful “Pain & Gain”). He tends to be the best thing about a given project, and he’s made some questionable material (“Central Intelligence,” “San Andreas,” “Hercules”) tolerable. Right now, he’s as entertaining as Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the ’80s, with a way of spouting one liners that has no modern comparison. Even better, as he’s demonstrating on the HBO series “Ballers” and the occasional movie without a ton of punching (“Snitch”), he has the potential to be something more. Result: The Rock dropkicks Diesel into the steel cage.
ROUND TWO — VALUE TO THE ‘FURIOUS’ FRANCHISE
There’s no denying that the “Furious” franchise is Diesel’s baby. He only skipped one title, “2 Fast, 2 Furious,” though his appearance in the third film, “Tokyo Drift” lasts about 30 seconds. Diesel serves as a producer on the series and was especially instrumental in refocusing the franchise following the tragic death of Paul Walker during production on “Furious Seven” (two more films are already in development to follow “Fate of the Furious”).
But here’s the thing — Diesel’s Dominic Toretto is a complete bore. He mumbles about family and survives impossible crashes. That’s about it. Toretto’s quip game is substandard even compared to his mugging in second-rate franchises like Riddick and “XXX,” though this January’s “XXX: The Return of Xander Cage” was deliberately constructed to resemble a middle-range “Furious” entry. It’s got impossible stunts, dumb dialogue and an obsession with “family.” It just needs a Ludacris or two.
The Rock first appeared in “Fast Five,” still the series’ high water mark because of Johnson’s charisma and creative line deliveries of even the most innocuous dialogue (“Give me the veggies”). “Furious Six” teeters a little too far into hokum, even for this nonsensical franchise, but The Rock still carries the thing on his humungous shoulders.
Johnson’s busy schedule prevented him from taking a larger part in “Furious Seven,” though he bookends the film with some of the best action (his throwdown with Jason Statham to start the movie remains the best fight in the entire series).
The “Furious” movies are right in Rocky’s zone — he’s got the humor and the physicality that complements the inherent ridiculousness of the franchise. Honestly, take Toretto out of the equation and I’m not sure if the series loses all that much going forward. Take The Rock out, however, and the movie’s missing out on at least $100 million of box office. Result: The Rock Rock Bottoms Diesel into the arena mat, which crumbles the entire steel cage around them.
ROUND THREE — SIZE
Are you kidding me? The Rock’s neck is thicker than the meatiest part of my thigh. And my thigh is meaty. Result: The Rock emerges from the rubble to deliver a People’s Elbow to Diesel’s chest cavity, which instantly explodes.
OK, so this wasn’t much of a match. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is the biggest star in the world, and not a single person in Hollywood has ever had a negative thing to say about him. Even my “Moana” loving kindergartner thinks he’s the best. Sorry, Vin. If The Rock is mad at you, it’s probably because you were being a Jabroni. Go cry on Tyrese’s shoulder.
by Tyler Wilson | April 14, 2017 1:00 AM
Originally published in the CDA Press Newspaper.